If They Don’t Play This Song At My Funeral – I’m Not Going

I find the song so beautiful in its simplicity. It's delicate, like a breeze or butterfly wings. Written in a minor key, it feels immediately like it wants to be sad, but it's not sad. It's hopeful and optimistic and, for me, reminiscent of things that are good in this world.
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Lisa Sabin-Wilson piano

Holy Hill

One of Grandma’s most favorite spots in the whole world is Holy Hill. Probably one of the most beautiful Catholic Churches I’ve ever seen – with the exception of St. Patricks Cathedral in NY. But even St. Patrick’s doesn’t have the location that Holy Hill does. Not only is it a gorgeous church – but it is set right into the hills, woods and beautiful terrain of Wisconsin I visited Holy Hill today. Not because I’m a religious person. Not because I wanted to pray or walk with god or any such thing. I went there because it made me […]

Empty spot in the house

Some days there is just nothing to write about, I think. Hard to keep up a daily blog of stuff when the stuff just doesn’t seem to want to flow into my head and out of my fingers, huh? There still remains too much stuff to do and not enough time to do it – in regards to C.’s visit a week from tomorrow. I’m thrilled about it, though. This past summer – he spoiled me completely by coming to visit every weekend for about 9 weeks in a row. Plus I was able to spend a week and a […]

Public displays of grief

I have some pretty close friends in my life with whom I’ve allowed the walls to fall down with. Those friends know me and understand, for the most part, how I deal with life and things in it. When I’m happy, I smile and laugh alot. When I’m angry, I rant and rave alot. When I’m sad – I just tend to withdraw inside myself until I feel like it’s ok to express it a little bit. I don’t always express it – sometimes I just deal with it inside my own head and then let it go. I don’t […]

I'll be your rock, if you be mine?

Grandma died this afternoon. Mom called me and told me that her feet were blue and she was breathing funny. I left home immediately – headed to my mom’s house. It takes me all of 5 minutes to get there – and by the time I did, Grandma was already gone. My dad cried a lot. That’s the hardest part, I think. He’s always been my rock ~ and today I needed to be his. I was more than happy to do it – but that doesn’t make it any easier. I’m exhausted. I love you, Grandma ~ fare thee […]

When it rains . .

What a depressing blog today. Not sure why I keep writing about this stuff in here – I guess because I’m sitting here having coffee and all this stuff just keeps happening. As I sit – there is a hospital bed being delivered to my Dad’s house and then a medical transport van will transport my grandma to his house. I’ve been on the phone with him talking to him about the inevitability of it all. He knows she’s dying – it’s just hard to accept. I think I’m immune to it all sometimes. I’ve seen so much death that […]

Morning Coffee

After the last call at 3:30AM this morning – I didn’t receive anymore calls. Well, I did receive one phone call about a patient of ours who also happens to be my grandmother. Apparently our answering service at work wasn’t answering the phone when my Dad was trying to reach the nurse on call – so he called me to see if I knew who was on call and could I get in touch with that nurse. I offered just to come over and see grandma myself – but my Dad said he wanted the nurse. I am a nurse!! […]

Now I lay me down . .

did dare to go to sleep about 2 1/2 hours ago, or so. Not bad. I expected much worse. Actually, I fully expected to be paged the very second I drifted off into never never land – – but at least I was able to get the 2.5 hours – – it’s better than nothing at all 🙂 Luckily it wasn’t a call that I need to go out on – it was something easily handled on the phone – – so now that I had to fully awaken. myself in order to deal with that phone call with any […]

We're all goats here

A certain amount of conformity is normal, I suppose. I mean, I do it a lot – I realize. I do conform to some societal things, like wearing clothes, driving on the right side of the road (mostly), etc. But is that really conformity? Or is that just following the law and the rules? Am I doing those things because everyone else is? Or am I doing them because it makes my life easier and more hassle-free? I guess I’m more the type of person who, if she’s going to conform to something, it’s going to because I find there […]

Old friends, revisited

I admitted a new patient onto my case load today. A 45 year old man with lung cancer with metastasis to his brain. They decided to discontinue further chemo and radiation therapy last week – and made the difficult decision to cease all aggressive treatments. The hard thing about this case is that it’s somewhat personal for me. The patient is the husband of a woman that I graduated Nursing School with 10 years ago. She’s torn up – – the kids are torn up – – and it’s just a difficult situation overall. It’s hard for me to watch […]

A bad, bad day

Really, really good friends are a treasure, I think. You know the kind? The ones who say things like “How are you doing, really?” “Talk to me, I’m listening” “I’m here for you, whenever, wherever” The ones who let you go a little crazy – – or even a bit stark raving mad – while you’re venting . . . and they don’t judge you because they know you’re a bit distressed and don’t really mean half the things you’re saying. The kind of friends who are there for you to laugh during the really fun times . . . […]

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