Self-editing

Ever have something weighing so heavily on your mind that you cannot seem to get past it enough to write about other things? You want to write about it – – blog it all out there and get it out, but you know you really don’t want it ‘out there’ – so you don’t.

Yet – still cannot get past it.

Let’s see if I can edge around it a little bit . . . .

I haven’t had a ‘write’ to do in well over a year. The interest in the ‘writes’ just doesn’t exist anymore. The writes used to be ones full of passion. Revealling and tempting. Maybe I have no writes left in me? Most definately, the writes have no reader.

I fnd myself often wondering if the events that lead to a particular situation are simply that. Events. That lead to another place. Once there – – the events aren’t important or pertinent anymore.

Is it ok to let go of certain aspects of yourself in order to attain other parts? Or should a person just be able to hang on to all aspects of themselves…continue to strive for and attain those other parts – – without letting any of them go, at all?

And lastly…

I know what I’m doing is right. Right now, right here – – it’s right. As much as I really would love for it to be different – it just isn’t. That still doesn’t take away from the fact that I love the feeling. That I’m mourning and grieving – – and it all does seem quite silly to me. I kind of long for the days when it was ok for me to be this way – – but for right now…it just isn’t.

There.

I think I edged around things enough. I still don’t feel like I’ve vomitted my feelings out enough – – not as I should, at least. I wish I could let go of this way about me that withdraws deeply when something is heavy. I get quiet and withdraw deep into my own thoughts. I know it’s driving C. nuts – – or maybe it isn’t. Maybe it should.

I think, in a lot of ways, we’re strangers – he and I. There is a lot that I don’t share – but I should…but never quite seem to emerge long enough to do it. I don’t want to isolate myself in my thoughts…but I do anyway. And I only give that some good thought when he’s gone. Because I wonder if he sometimes sees it as a relief — to be away. Like “whew – good to be out of there – her tension is so thick!”

But it’s a quiet tension. At least I’m not a nag. lol

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