Can You Hear Me Now?!?

Anyone who knows me, personally, knows that I’m a kinky girl. However, I am the kind you can take home to mother (a.k.a. not a super-freak) – cuz meeting me face-to-face . . . you’d never know it to be true.

I like it that way. It’s always the quiet ones you have to look out for, innit?

I keep my kinks to myself . . . well, and those select few that I’ve shared it with over my lifetime *grin* I’m into S&M – – I like a little (a lot?) pain to go with my pleasure. Call me weird…call me odd…call me deviant – – but if ya can’t stomach it, don’t bother calling, k?

I’ve studied quite a bit about the psychology of S&M – after all, we are known as sexual deviants, aren’t we? I guess . . . however, my sexuality is not something that I try to cram down people’s throats. I don’t seek out special government programs, nor do I demand special treatment at work, school or in society as a whole. What I do in my bedroom is precisely that – nothing more. Oh, I also don’t march in the street in some Pain Pride Parade – – although, that is quite a catchy name isn’t it? I could probably go places with that . . . . .

But, I digress.

I watched the movie ‘8mm” last night, with Nicholas Cage. It held quite a few connections with S&M – although, not the type that I practice. It was about a private investigator who was searching for a missing girl who had been hired and then killed in a commissioned snuff film. Quite a disturbing movie, to be sure. That is nothing I would condone – – that should be obvious, but I must make that disclaimer because there are people in this world who think all people involved with S&M are dark and evil.

Not so, not so – – some of us are very cheery, pink, giving and happy 🙂 (tippy toes through the tulips)

I dated a man a while back, with whom I lived with – and we both had …erm…mutual interests, sexually. He took it a bit too far, however. I generally don’t talk about it – because it’s a dark chapter in my little life. Lots of lessons learned, let me just say.

He was horrible. Abusive as hell. Was only happy when I was completely isolated from friends and family. Watched my every move every second of the day. Checked up on me constantly – – and then never believed me. I spent two years of my life living on pins and needles around him – – – why? I’ll never figure it out.

Last night wasn’t the first time I watched 8mm. The first time I watched it was with him – the night before I called the police and filed charges against him for domestic abuse and had his ass thrown out of my house. I filed a restraining order and the whole bit. It was quite a scary ordeal, overall — the fact that it had to come to that. There was no other way to get this man out of my life except to threaten him with the long arm of the law.

This was February 12, 2000. He went to work in the morning, as usual. As soon as he was gone – I contacted my folks (who knew everything and it took a whole helluva lot to keep my Dad at bay and allow me to handle it). I then contacted the police, made my statement and they informed me that they would arrest him as soon as he stepped into the door when he got home from work. Kind of a shitty way to end your workday – – but hey, it was a Wednesday…. it’s not like it was Monday, for crying out loud. They arrested him, booked him – – he spent the night in jail until his mother (in Ohio) contacted some distant relatives of his (in Madison, WI) and talked them into driving to town and bailing his ass out of jail.

The cops then gave him a whole 15 minutes to clear his shit out of my house with the very clear direction to never return again – – or anywhere else in the presence of my being.

Understand, I have never gone through anything like this in my life. My upbringing was very normal. My parents are great folks – still married, happily. I never once suffered abuse at the hands of anyone (except for that time when I was 16 and I came home drunker than a skunk on New Years Ever…but that’s completely different). I’m a professional, I make an excellent income, I’m well adjusted, happy, responsible – – – but did this one really stupid thing of getting involved with this man. What a fucked up judgment call on my part!

Anyways – back to the movie. He and I had spent the night watching that movie. Personally, I didn’t pay much attention to the movie at all. For me, it was a time/space/sound filler while I methodically went through the steps in my head that I knew I would take the next day. I wanted to keep him busy so that I could think. I also didn’t want there to be any silence – – for fear that my plans would somehow be uncovered — which would ignite yet another drag down, knock out argument – which generally lead to my face meeting the wall with high velocity. Not a good plan. So, I had suggested going to Blockbuster and we rented 5 movies and watched one movie after another until he was tired and needed to get some sleep – it was a week night, after all.

I didn’t even know what the plot of the movie was. All I can remember is that I knew that Nicholas Cage was in it and I remembered the name of the movie. My mind was just full of other things. I had been planning this move for weeks, and everything had to be perfect, right down to the timing of it all. I can remember that during the movie I was coming up with “Plan B” – What if he called in sick when he woke up in the morning? If he called in sick, I couldn’t do all the errands I needed to do in order to get this done. Sometimes, he did call in sick, particularly if he thought I seemed distracted with something, or if he had a ‘gut’ feeling that something just wasn’t right. He was a paranoid man – – but for good reason.

So, back to the movie. He broke the restraining order a few times. Trying to contact me, reason with me – – get me back – – guilt trip the fucking hell outta me. It didn’t work. But during one of those emails/phone calls/letters – – I remember him making the statement that he regretted that we watched that movie that night before.

??

See, ours was a relationship that heavily involved S&M. And his line of thinking was that the subject matter of the movie freaked me out to the whole S&M thing and that I got scared and made the spontaneous decision to get out of the relationship because of it.

Because of the movie.

Not because he used me as his personal punching bag and regularly turned my lips, eyes and cheeks pretty shades of purple.

After being arrested, spending time in jail – being put on three years probation…being required to attend 18 weeks of anger management therapy as directed by the courts…. after having a woman file a restraining order against you that said if you were found anywhere within her general location – you’d find your ass back in jail. After all that – – in his mind, I freaked out because of a fucking movie.

Funny thing about that – is I don’t even remember watching the movie that night.

So, last night I watched it – – all the way through. Funny how something stupid like that can feel like an accomplishment, of sorts. Almost like closing another chapter of a most stupid and foolish part of ones life. A stupid movie was good therapy for me. It wasn’t even a good movie at that.