Cake or Death


I never tire of seeing this guy’s HBO special. Seen it a couple dozen times – and I laugh just as hard each time. He’s a blast.

Royal Genetics

And Queen Victoria became Empress of India. She never even fucking went there, you know?

She was one of our more frumpy queens… they’re all frumpy, aren’t they? Because it’s a bad idea when cousins marry! Bottom of the gene pool, you know. You’re just scraping the barrel there, “We’ve haven’t got enough for any more of you royals there, sorry.” First rule of genetics: spread the genes apart! But the royals are just obsessed with, “Are you a royal family? Are you a royal member? Well, then you can marry me ‘cause you’re same gene pool, and our IQs will go down the toilet.” Fantastic! That’s why there’s no crazy royals, they’re all kind of, “Hello! Hello, what do you do? You’re a plumber! What on Earth is that?”

So yeah. And after World War II, all the empires sort of dissolved. And we didn’t – we came first in World War II, but we were financially fucked by the end, ‘cause there was a period of time where it was just us and the Nazis, and they’d been making weapons for ages! They had a head start! We were going, “Get the tanks out! Get the… we haven’t got any tanks? Then get that ice cream van out there! Get it out there! Kill! All right, fuck it. ( mimes making ice cones and throwing them ) Fuck off! Everything! Just throw everything at them! Just… that’s not… harder! Orange fruities! And Zooms! Throw the Zooms! Fuck off, you bastards! Pots and pans! Get pots… just throw the pots and pans at them!”

So by the time America came in – ‘cause you were watching a U.S. cavalry film, ‘cause the U.S. cavalry always comes in right just towards the end of the film – ( sings charge melody ) “Ok, let’s go America!” ( charge melody ) “I love the smell of Europe in the morning! So, how’re you doing?”, we were going, “Fucking ‘ell, where’ve you been?” “Ah, having breakfast. So, what’s going on, hey?”

So, America did well, Russia did well, and deservedly so, because half a million American soldiers died, half a million British soldiers died, and about 26 million Russian soldiers died. Soldiers and civilians, and that’s just 50 times as many. It’s just un-fucking-believable, you know, and no one mentions it! These are just figures I discovered. That’s why they put up…’cause, I mean, Napoleon had been steaming in there 100 years before: “I’m going to kill them, I’m going to kill them, going to… Oh, it’s a bit cold, it’s a bit cold. Right! Ok, ok, bad idea.” And then Hitler, “I’ve got a better idea, got a better idea… Oh, it’s the same idea! It’s the same idea, it’s the same idea…” So no wonder they set up the Eastern Bloc! They wanted a buffer zone. It wasn’t fair, but that’s what they did. So that’s where they’re coming from.

And about 20 million Nazi Germans died, but they did start it, they did start that one. And, yeah, so it was that, and France hated them all ‘cause Southern France was collaborating with the Germans, embarrassing! So since then, they’ve been kind of spiky and kind of, French… I’m very positive on the French, my family way back was French, so I go with it, but they are kind of, well, fucking French at times…

“All of Europe, you must do this!”

“Well… we’re not gonna! We’re gonna have a sandwich.”

And Germany and Japan, they do seem to have a natural instinct in a very generalized way for organization and being military, but, you know, there’s a very strong Green Party there now, kids with beards, it’s getting okay, and I just think Japan and Germany should be the peacekeepers of the world. They should be parachuted in; whenever something breaks out, parachute Germans and Japanese in. They’ll go, “Look, we’ve done this before, we’ve done the killing. Hello! Take it from us, just chill out!” And then, they’d organize peace really quickly. “All right, peace, peace, peace, peace is organized!” It could be brilliant if they could do that. That’s their destiny, man! Yeah.

Italy invented fascism in 1922. Mussolini said, “Right, we’re all fascists!” but most Italian people are always on scooters going, “Ciao!” And they’re into football, and life, and they’re not fascists, you know? He said, “We’re all fascists!” “All right, ciao!” No helmet on… ( imitates scooter running ) All those 50s films, like “Roman Holiday,” it’s just like that! Everyone’s just cool and hangs out.

Transcript courtesy of: The Cake or Death Site.

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