Back to my original blogging . . . .
I don’t normally ‘do’ the garbage thing. Either Chris does it (my live-in bf), or my son, Ben, does it. You see, I’m a feminist only when it’s convenient for me to be one – – – there are just certain things best left to men. Garbage duty is one of them!
However, seeing as how Chris is out of town on business for two weeks and Ben forgot to take the garbage out (selective memory, that kid) – I figured someone had to do it! So I did.
It was painful – there were a gaggle (a flock? a herd? a school?) of bees surrounding the garbage and they didn’t take kindly to my disruption of their happy hang out.
However, I made it safely (or so I thought) into my car and headed off to work when the task was finished. I’m about 1/8 of a mile down the road from my house when I start to feel something moving around inside my pant leg – – lurking somewhere around the inside of my right knee.
Immediately I know exactly what it is. All images of the independent woman doing her own garbage are set aside as I turn into the squealing little girl who realizes she’s got a gross bee inside her pants! I’m freaking out here.
I pull over. I get out of the car and start trying to shake him out of my pants. I’m on a nice, wholesome, country highway at 7:30a.m. – cars are passing, school busses filled with kids…you get the picture. I’m dancing around on the side of the road like a maniac.
When I’m fully satisfied that the pants invader is gone – – I get back in my car and start on my merry way.
That’s when I felt it. Right between my thighs – – you know…in that oh-so-sensitive area? I even heard it. Bzzzzzzzz…..
I can’t even write this story without squirming in my chair!
Before I could think through my fog of panic about what to do – – the little fucker stung me! Right in between my ass cheeks!
Stop laughing! It’s true! He stung me right between them….you know, on the area of the buttocks that curves down to meet your thigh? Right there — right smack between the cheeks!
I’m screaming. I’m slamming my breaks on. I’m damn near rolling my car off the side of the country highway. I’m jumping out of my car…still screaming….just about stripping my pants off in order to get this little creepy thing out of my pants! Who invited him there anyways????
This was totally non-consensual! I mean, I’m all for a little pain in that exact area – – but THIS is a nightmare! Plus, it hurt like hell.
Don’t worry, though – – I made it through this horrific ordeal just fine. Oh – only after I found out that I’m allergic to bees. Never knew that before – – that would’ve been good knowledge to have before I got stung on a country road! So, I hightail it to the hospital – – gagging and puking all the way there. I run into the ER where, between gags and puking, I tell the nurse I was stung by a bee in my ass!
They give me a shot of Epi — and minutes later, I’m dong great. Then the doc tells me that the stinger needs to be removed because if it isn’t – – when the Epi wears off…I may start having reactions again!
Now, understand something here – – I’m a nurse in this town. I work closely with all sorts of medical personnel in this town – including doctors. This doc happens to be one in which I have, and do, work closely with because I have a few of his patients on my caseload.
This is the guy who wants me to disrobe….hop up on the table, feet up in stirrups so that he can remove the stinger! Shit.
That’s all I could think of was….shit.
Fast forward to the end of this horrendous day — I’ve told a few of my closest friends this story. Of course, after they realized that I’m ok, health-wise, they had a nice, hearty laugh over it all.
Late in the night, around 8pm – I get a phone call. Caller ID says “Private Caller”….I answer.
Caller: Good evening, may I speak with Lisa S***** (pronouncing my name wrong.
Caller: This is Marie from the Wisconsin PETA Association.
Me: Who? (Thinking it’s a telemarketer wanting donations – and thinking how crazy they are for calling me because I’m about to give them a piece of my mind about how stupid I think the whole PETA thing is!)
Caller: PETA – you know People for the Ethi……
Me: Yes, I know who PETA is – what do you want?
Caller: We received a complaint in our office today that we are currently investigating…we need your statement, if you have a moment.
Me: A complaint? Me? What do you mean?
Caller: Well, the complaint was filed early this morning. Apparently, someone made the report that you are going around town injuring poor defenseless animals with the crack of your ass . . . . . .