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NEW YORK TIMES EDITORIAL
In spite of (insert recent discoveries of Iraqi noncompliance), it seems clear that based on current facts on the ground, such as (insert unfounded speculation), we should (insert unwarranted conclusion). Our hesitation is largely founded on an old principle first articulated by (insert name and quote from: Neville Chamberlain, Charles de Gaulle, Jimmy Carter, Captain Kangeroo). It is further bolstered by the unresolved problems currently festering in (insert totally unrelated hot-spot area). It is certainly worth noting that large portions of the American public do not want war, and have currently been voicing their concerns in league with other moderate political groups, such as (insert: International Workers of the World, the Berkeley Communist Lesbian Food Co-op, the Al Sharpton Coalition to End Racism and Start Riots, the New York Times editorial page).
Therefore, based on evidence that our paper has taken the lead in collecting, including (insert speculation on Saddam’s inner child first voiced at New York Times’ employee lounge), we are hesitant to (insert one: “follow imperialist mad cowboy Bush’s march to war,” “drop bombs on poor victims of American hegemony,” “start a war when 40 million Americans do not have adequate health insurance”). We are further bolstered in our skepticism by the fact that (insert one: “Saddam cares for and loves us all,” “Islam is a religion of peace,” “we have been channeling Abbie Hoffmann and he tells us everything is going to be okay”). We hope that our leaders remember that (insert anti-war platitude). We are further optimistic that (insert hope that inspectors will finally disarm Saddam after 10 years of trying) and that (insert hope that Saddam will finally stop dickering around after 10 years of doing so). Really, there is nothing more we can do right now. We really should give peace a chance.
(Insert Koranic verse to end editorial).
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